Interesting Crossroads: Teetering Between Independence and Needing Mom

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Last Updated on October 23, 2023 by The Smetz Files

Our kids are at an interesting crossroads. They are upper elementary age, approaching middle school and the tween years. They are old enough to be independent at times and yet, still young enough to need us. Recently this dichotomy has shown up at bed time. 

Walking back bad habits

This summer we fell into some bad habits (e.g. staying up late) and our usual bedtime routine sort of fell off. Now that we’re back in school the kids seem to want a bit more attention when it’s time for bed. 

At first I found this irritating. At the end of the day, I felt tired, overstimulated, and did not want to prolong the routine. The kids insisted I come up, despite knowing they could independently put themselves to bed. 

Needing Mom

As I softened and followed them upstairs for bedtime, I realized they really wanted 1:1 time to talk. We’ve always chatted as they put away their laundry, set their alarms, and got settled into bed. Often they check the weather and plan their outfits for the following day. Sometimes they tell me about something that happened at school or practice. And sometimes their conversations are reflective of their deep thinking and whatever is weighing on their mind.

Recently both kids have said, I like when we talk like this, before drifting off to sleep. I said it earlier, the kids are at a crossroads. They are growing up quickly and are certainly capable of being independent with certain tasks. But they still crave individual attention and seek connection. I like being their anchor. I find myself listening, only interjecting to ask a follow up question or seek understanding. I like hearing who they are, what they’re thinking about, and how they’re processing what’s going on in their lives.

I try to stay in the moment, yet I want to capture the way they say things, and how their body language conveys their feelings. I find myself trying to memorize all the finer details of their features as they talk animatedly about what’s on their minds. 

Teetering between independence and needing mom

I find myself straddling two distinct phases, teetering between the chubby two year old claiming, ‘I do it myself’ (and taking forever to do it!) mentality and the preteen independence and distance of not wanting my help. But they’re in the middle. They are no longer that defiant toddler, eager to figure things out. And they aren’t yet independent teens. 

In education we read a lot about meeting kids where they are. Much of that advice is specific to academic and social skills. That is exactly what parenting is, too. Meeting our kids where they are, in the stage in which we find ourselves. It’s ever changing. 

Soaking it up

So for now, I’m soaking up the bedtime snuggles as they come. I’m listening to their voices and their inner hearts and minds as they share. And I’m relishing that I was chosen to be their person, their safe space, and their anchor.