Last Updated on January 12, 2024 by The Smetz Files
In this post I reflect on key takeaways from seeing strong relationship models.
January marked big anniversaries in our extended family. My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and Jay’s parents celebrated 48 years of wedded bliss this year.
98 years of marriage between them, a tremendous feat! [See my reel on IG of my niece blowing kisses to my parents after their anniversary dinner!]
We often commented how lucky we are to have such strong role models for commitment and loving partnership. Though Jay and I haven’t been married nearly as long, we’re approaching two decades next year. Here are a few things we’ve learned along the way:
- Step up and step back
- Sounding boards
- Shared goals
- Simply being
Step Up and Step Back
Jay and I have been together since our early 20s. We met as undergraduates and entered our adult years ready to (naively 🙂) take on the world. As with any young couple, there was a lot to figure out.
He was researching graduate programs while I accepted a job teaching. And we navigated a bi-coastal relationship for a few years post graduation while he finished his baseball career.
Throughout our relationship there have been times where we needed to step up and step back to make it all happen. For example, for nearly 15 years one of us was in graduate school. That meant while one was focused on their studies, the other had to take lead on things at home and managing the household.
If you’ve ever worked on an MBA or PhD you understand it’s a commitment not only for the student, but for those closest to them too. Throw in starting a family and raising young children, and there were plenty of responsibilities to share. We learned to step up and step back as needed.
Sounding Boards
We saw the concept of being each other’s sounding board modeled in our parents’ marriages growing up. This one is important. Life presents many decisions. From career moves to medical events and financial decisions, having each other as a sounding board is huge.
When it comes to decision making, Jay and I tend to be opposites. He is analytical and data driven. I tend to be instinctive. Bouncing ideas off each other and sharing different perspectives has been helpful when it came time to make big decisions. Where I tend to be overwhelmed and can suffer analysis paralysis, his data driven, detail oriented analytical mind provides quiet confidence for me. Finding a good partner who is also a strong sounding board is a bonus.
Shared Goals
This one builds on the first two. When I reflect on our nearly 20 years of marriage, I see evidence of our shared goals. There were times when one of us was working towards individual accomplishments, but collectively they were our goals together. Financial decisions, real estate transactions, career advancement, they all came down to shared goals and working together to benefit our family.
Raising our kids is probably the greatest example of our shared goals in action. We work hard to provide them opportunities to grow and develop. We’re intentional about decisions that we hope position them for success. We want to nurture their interests while also developing good humans who will contribute to the world in meaningful ways. A lot of our conversations and decisions focus on our shared goal of being good parents. This is what we saw growing up and hope we’re modeling for our kids.
Simply Being
Finally, the idea that you simply get to be with the other person. I read recently, outside of your colleagues your partner is the person you spend most of your time with. So, choose wisely! 🙂
I find some of my favorite moments are when we’re just simply together. Driving in the car, often in silence. Or walking on the beach together. Sitting and watching a game. Debriefing our day. You know, those generic moments that feel insignificant. But they’re the small moments, the idea of just simply being, that are grounding and comfortable.
Relationships and long term commitment are hard work! In celebrating our parents’ combined near century of marriage, we recognize the magnitude of their efforts. And we’re ready to continue the hard work towards our own golden anniversary…in many years to come!
Thanks for reading my simple musings. Follow The Smetz Files and let’s connect!
